Common Ground...

Am I really sitting here in bed feeling sorry for myself and relating to Giuliana and Bill because the only difference between their conversation on "next baby steps" is that they are in Santa Monica on tv and we are in Indiana, normally in a car or over dinner. Giulana is on a quest to decide if she's going to do IVF -- she's confused, sad, scared and not prepared. What would I normally have in common with someone on E!TV...well, today, it feels like a lot...

Well, it is a rainy Sunday. The first night I've slept alone without Magoo while Scott is out of town and my 1st week of birth control pills. ERRRR...

Yes, sounds crazy, I am on birth control. And yes, that seems weird. But I have to admit and accept that today I'm feeling down. I feel frustrated, but am still committed to being positive and believing. I'm not sure how, but I know that I like peace and faith better than feeling sorry for myself and feeling so dark inside.

The truth is that I have very real emotions and thoughts surrounding decisions and what is going to happen or not happen. My prayer for myself is to accept those emotions and to connect to them, instead of brushing over them and playing them off as just wanting to get pregnant.

The other truth is that I can see a positive shift, which is 2 pats on the back for me. On the other hand, I still get a ping of jealousy that I try to work out when I see all those babies at church. But, I am thankful for the belief inside of me that allows me to see light at the end of the tunnel. I was surrounded by two very pregnant and dear friends yesterday -- while still being able to find it inside me to instead of feeling jealous, think to myself...."please let their fertility rub off on me.."

Today just feels heavy and emotional. I have to remember this isn't real. My hormones are going through a dip and twist because of the birth control pill. I will not always feel like this. I feel blah, isolated and hungry. I pray to snap out of this..soon! I am going to yoga in an hour -- really hoping that is the pick me up I need.

For now, we are going with the guidance and opinion of the 4th fertility doctor we have seen. He is by far the nicest and most down to earth. If I can just keep my doubts on trusting anyone at bay, I know this will work. He has directed me to take the pill for a month to get my ovaries in check and to get a normal period. I haven't had a normal period since one month after my surgery, and have not had a regular cycle at all. I have faith by taking the pill this month with Glumetza that I will have a normal and full flow period, allowing us to move on!!

Moving on to baby making for us is to do injectables with an iui. I am not sure how this will work with travel, but I will have faith and the let the plan unravel before me. On this one, I only have so much control. My intention is to release that control and to allow myself to feel joy that is trying to come in.

I will be away for training for my new job- so hopefully my body and mind are full of other thoughts, allowing my body to just leg go and be healthy on its own.

As I go to my yoga class this afternoon...my intentions are as folllows -- letting go of control and being welcome and open to joy and fertility!!!

My name is Kristin, and I'm infertile...

A support group just makes you feel like life got weird. The idea of being in a room with stranger, with people you don't even know, just makes you feel uncomfortable. I mean, what could you have in common???

Well, I will tell you what you could have in common. Tonight, at my first Resolve meeting, I found that I have quite a bit in common with 5 other women and 1 man that I've never met. We all want and don't have. We all feel sad, mad and cheated. But we all have hope, and we know we do, because we are here.

The 2 hours I spent here really got to me...in a good way. It came easy to me to listen to all the stories, to digest them without judging -because I really understood. And it felt so good and comfortable to share openly, because I knew they got me too.

The room was dynamic, and God had worked to plop us all in this same room at St. Lukes (ironically the church we were married in). There may have been some f-bombs in the house of The Lord..but I think he understood tonight.

We had the adorable woman and man couple that came in the room emotional and shared their story first. They are nearing the age of no return - 40 - and they are fighting off the guilt of not wanting to go to every adoption party or birthday parties for their friends kids. She cried because they were on a break, and it was breaking her heart. Her husband, sat beside her, her biggest fan, not even phased he is at a woman's support group.They will make wonderful parents, and I pray they are blessed more than they expect.

Next was a girl around my age. She is eating her dinner and sits next to me. I wasn't sure if she was going to be real warm or fuzzy, but she had a story too, and even if she isn't warm and fuzzy, she is in our boat. I like her after she got talking. She seemed patient and seemed to be open to her path. Her husband had male factor and she has poor egg quality. I can't help but say a prayer my eggs are in good quality. I can't help it. I hope to myself that her and myself can use our own eggs.


A 30 year old cute blonde girl that I can't figure out. She has normal periods and her husband has borderline problems. He has had 7 semen tests and she has had 2 laparscopic procedures in 6 months (one was enough for me - man!).
They gave up for now. She said they want to do IVF but can't afford it. Can I afford it? I don't know. We have seen the same Dr. -- she tell me Jarrett raised his IVF rates and that you have to pay all up front. Ouch. I like her - she's funny and sighs for people's sad stories. I don't know if she will be back next time, but I hope she is. I think I could be friends with her.

The most tragic story of the night. A 46 year old woman that has never been married or pregnant. She is grieving the loss of her fertility. Wow. I feel a punch in the stomach. She has not enough money to go to doctors or to adopt. She is literally watching her fertility go as menopause is imminent. We all tear up. I hate this for her. She has a gentle nice spirit that really touched me. I wanted to hug her but she left quick at the end. I hope I see her again. I really hope she gets to be somebody's mother figure. She would be a good mom. This one is hard to understand.

The leader -- the fearless leader came in with hope for all of us. Ironic that most of the group was new and that she had just taken over leading in the last year because the leader became pregnant. Now, as she told her story, I could start to tell that her story was one with an ending. This brought me major hope because she has PCOS like me..and she didn't do IVF! Maybe I don't have to. I am happy she is pregnant. She is sooo nervous and afraid that the fragile life inside of her won't stay real. I pray that she has twins and that is double blessed.

And me... It was easy to share my story! We talked about PCOS and about how hard it is to find a Dr. you can trust. I go through my laundry list of doctors and decisions. The best thing ever happened. After my verbal vomit, I looked around and I didn't get one blank look. I didn't get one "it will work out" or "just stop trying". And I didn't get an opinion. I got understanding. It's all I had needed. For tonight, my cup is full. Maybe my problems aren't gone, nor are all my questions answered, but I know these people were all put in my path for a reason. I am at peace tonight with what is to be...but Dear God, I really need some help with baby steps..please guide me to the right Dr. and help me to know that it is right. I just can't do it alone!

Two is Better than One...

I can remember a time this last September when Scott and I were sitting in a train station cafe in Reims, France sipping on cappuccinos and literally falling asleep on each other in the over sized chairs. The sun was shining and the train station was busy, but it felt so peaceful to us. We had just been through the most chaotic day of being lost, almost missing our train out of Paris, being dumped in the middle of the countryside on our 2nd day in France and then battling blisters after touring Champagne houses in bad shoes from our luggage not showing up the day before. But somehow, outside of the language barrier and our 2 hour wait to get back to France, we had each other, and there was enough peace to just sleep. I remember thinking, I could be anywhere, anytime with this man and be o.k. We are the lucky ones. And now, as we face the decision of going to IVF, we need each other more than ever. This is exciting and encouraging, knowing that we are close to the prize: taking a healthy and bouncing baby home. But it's scary and weird, not knowing what we are getting into and not knowing how we got here.

I embarrassed to say we met with our 3rd fertility doctor today. However, I feel like God really led us to him and even though we had some obstacles and detours, I am ready to trust him. I think this has been important for me. I haven't been ready to trust and give up control, and now that I have worked on myself and figured out that all the stress and effort I have been putting into "solving it myself" has just left me feeling like a failure, frustrated and not any closer to being pregnant than I was two years ago.

What seemed like an innocent experience with taking Clomid in October of 2008 has turned into a whirlwind of acupuncture and natural attempts, more Clomid, Femera and more Femera, and even more blood tests, ultrasounds, and eventually a surgery and Metformin.PCOS has become my identity in many ways. I have become obsessed with fixing myself through taking all the right vitamins, medicine and eating the perfect diet. I have been wanting to blame myself for so long, and to just do better and make it happen. If I could only remember that I can only do so much, I would be a lot better off.

Which is my intention as we stare IVF in the face. My first commitment is NO Internet searching. This will be hard for me. However, most questions I have can be answered by the handful of people I know that have been through IVF or by the nurses and doctor we are deciding to trust. The Internet is toxic for me!!

Next commitment is to trust God's plan. He led us to Dr. Gentry and know I will trust him to guide us through. Of course I am worried about the money, the side effects, the time commitment with my new job and the risk of failure. But my hope is to wake up everyday just open to the plan, letting the positive in, negative out.

So for today, we are ready to be patients of the game. We don't know how to play yet, but we are committed and ready. I am excited and am ready for the new chapter. Next step - IVF Conference March 17th! For now, prayers that we have the funding worked out....

Mandolin Rain... Washing away the Yeast in my Body

There is absolutely no rhyme or reason that I have named this post Mandolin Rain other than that for the last few weeks I have been hearing this song at random times in random places, while at other times, I will just crave hearing it and start humming it to myself. No reason, just makes me happy - sometimes it really is the little things that get you through. 

Today is a day that I need Mandolin Rain to wash me away again...

It started at 6 am when the alarm went off too early, which led me to snooze a half hour longer, which meant that I would be doing the ponytail look, which meant I would have those awesome curls of half grown hair curling around my face all day.  (I get those curly baby hairs so bad that the word baby shouldn't be used, it's too cute to describe the way they look - my husband has named them "Shirley" like Shirley Curly..cute, I know). Anyways, back to the day...

This is the 2nd day of my Candida Yeast Cleanse, which my wonderful husband has committed to doing alongside me. It's not easy - in fact, right now, I feel like puking...kind of like I already did this morning. So, poor choice to only have a protein shake (allowed on my cleanse - yes! Serves as a milkshake!) before going to have a balloon inserted up my cervix into my uterus followed by some weird die injected into my fallopian tubes. Poor choice to NOT follow the nurses recommendations of taking 800 mg Ibuprofen. Poor choice to even do this HSG...because I knew, I just knew - it's not my plumbing. 

But I did it anyways. I got in my gown, waited on the radiologist table, watched them suit up in astronaut looking suits and then surrendered all and posted my legs into the almighty stir-ups. Who doesn't love stir ups on a humid June morning? I got the normal, "you will feel my hand, now the speculum..." that you do during your annual date with your gyny...only this time, it wasn't "slight crampy feeling" followed by the ooey goey sensation of leftover ky. This time, the speculum turned into a balloon being crammed up the cervix towards my poor little uterus (which really is small - never knew!) and then twisty feelings like men marching in the forest trying to find their way back home. And then the dye. I think the dye is where it went all wrong. I instantly had to poop, and no, not the menstrual type of cramp that you mistake for a poop pain, poop, and large amounts of it, coming out like a turtle head. My temp shot up about 10 degrees and vomit started going up my throat. I barely remember Dr. M coming around the table to explain what just happened. 

I will say, it's cool to watch dye spread through your tubes, especially when you see that the channel of love is flowing free and open for business. Dr. M said, "Well, kiddo, you have a textbook tubes and uterus.." which was good to hear while I'm laying in my blue robe that opens in the front while staring at a screen that finally offered a positive outcome. But like I said, no surprise...I know it's my hormones. Those damn hormones...

So, hopefully this cleanse will help. Who knows? But in the words of Dr. M, "Can't Hurt, Might Help", I am trying. I figure the worst thing that happens is that I clear out some of that gunk, sugar and crap that I love to shove in those intestines, and the best thing that could happen would be that my body says, Ok! Now we can give you some ovaries that know how to get it done! 

So, 14 more days of this...14 days of high protein, nuts, beans and veggies and terrible empty, unsatisfied feelings of yuckiness. Over 16 pills a day, drops of silver in my mouth and shots of disgusting fiber...

Can I/We do it??? Stay tuned...meals are going to have to get real creative at this point, or there may just be some serious crashing at the Hackman house..

In the Garden

In my attempt to do 101 things to not get pregnant, I am shifting focus from obsessing over my body, cycles and possible options to get in working order. So, one of these things that I have stumbled upon is gardening. Dorky, maybe - but relaxing, yes. I think about it during the day and can't wait to get home and work on these flowers that I get to love, water and nurse back to health if they start to get a little wilted from too much sun. Perhaps this is good practice for me - if I can keep these alive, I can do anything. 

My grip is becoming a little less tight everyday. I trust our RE, and he and his staff are so good at delivering a clear plan to us, while making sure we understand every little detail. 

So, as it stands, I started my period 5 days after my progesterone shots in my butt (ouch by the way), which came full force like one of my old normal periods...back when I had them. It came on with a little bloating, sensitive teeth, hunger and that stabbing headache that I always used to get the first day of my period. I had cramps all day. I bleed like a paper cut all day, and I loved it. It feels so good to have a full, normal period. I contribute this period to being more of a period to not only the shots, but the acupuncture. I think the combination of the work on my hormones and the switch the natural progesterone versus the very artificial pills of Provera (which is progestin --- NOT to be confused with progesterone which is what our body makes and needs naturally) really worked for me. So, first step in the right direction - something I am responding to! Which is really all this game is about, fitting your puzzle pieces in the right puzzle. 

So, next step - CD 3 blood test to see what my hormones do and then do Femora CD 3-7. I guess Femora works similar to Clomid - but is, of course an off label use. I am going to try it and not over analyze it. I know it's going against my wishes for au natural, but I'm trusting Dr. M and keeping up with the diet efforts, supplements and acupuncture and shutting my eyes and hoping for the best. 

After Femora, time to buy some good ovulation sticks (although my past experiences are not very inviting) and see what the cards hold for us this month. 

Until then...I will be in the garden in my free time.... 

Under Pressure

So, there are studies that show that acupuncture helps everything from headaches to allergies to infertility and smoking cessation. There are also many people, probably some people that have a name followed by a big M.D., that will tell you nonsense, it probably can't truly help. And then there are the grey areas...the people that think, maybe - just maybe, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. (No pun intended)

When it comes to infertility and acupunctures (and I've tried 3 different Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctors, so I know the ins and outs of this stuff) I tend to fall somewhere in the middle, leaning towards a strong, definitive yes..especially on days where I have one of those amazing acupuncture induced naps, which happens to be today! I think about it like my faith and my relationship with God. I believe, and deep down I know it's true...and I choose to believe and grow my faith because I just do. And when you die, if this religion thing ｉｓ　ａｌｌ　ａ　ｌｉｅ（ｗｈｉｃｈ　Ｉknow it's not) , then what did I waste by believing in and worshiping God. Nothing. I absolutely only gained. I gained living a good life, doing good things for others, striving to love like Jesus did and having faith when the going gets rough, tough get praying. So, although much less of a spiritual and moral topic, I believe acupuncture helps. Even if it doesn't, I know it's doing something good. So, as I work to simplify my mind full of decisions, paths to pregnancy and crazy hormone surges - I will make this decision and stick with it. Besides, as Dr. M, my newly appointed reproductive endocrinologist says, "Can't Help, May Hurt." Ok, that's good enough for a pat on the back from him, I'll take it.

Another Crossroads

So, what did our ancestors do without the internet, tv or blackberry? Not to sound like I am so dependent on these wireless devices and in home online shopping…but I sort of am. My laptop has crashed and all I have is my work computer I lugged home only to remember we don’t know how to get into our very secure wireless network from any other computer than…the computer that will never boot up again. Oh my….a lesson in depending on technology.

So, here I sit in our loft upstairs that I think I have only really “used” 3 or 4 times typing on this Think Pad. What is on my mind today? Well, on my mind today is to try to stick to my plan of a CLEAR head. It is so easy to get distracted from that simple goal! The second I think I am simplifying I turn around to see that Dr. Yang, my acupuncturist now wants me to take 2 different herbs – 3 pills, 3 times a day – mind you, out of a bottle in mandarin Chinese, so it could be cow manure for all I know … accompanied by avoiding anything and everything cold , even leaving my hair wet after a shower(bad for the female system as she puts it so eloquently – I’m not sure if she means my vagina or my fallopian tubes ) followed up by herbal patches that are cut into little squares scattered over different pressure points on the body. Oh yeah, temperature! Must take every morning – hard to do when peeing, shower and a bowl of oats always hits my temple first. OK – I think when I leave my appointments. Ok, I can do this. Simple enough…by the way, what a great nap I get on that massage type of table while long skinny needles protrude into my “points” as I listen to relaxing music with rain and birds like you would hear in a cheap Chinese restaurant that is trying to be a 5 star swanky joint.

I could do Dr. Yang’s directions. But can I do them AND do Dr. Rossetti’s…and be excited to see a fertility specialist this week? How do I get myself back here? Ah! I can say…I have come a LONG way since day the walls closed in, but this surely isn’t making life simple when Dr. Rossetti (my naturopathic doctor) tells me to do a Candida cleanse and to give up animal protein since my blood is A positive. Ok..so what is a Candida cleanse. It’s a $70 box of pills and enzymes that I take for 2 weeks followed by 8 pills of some sort of yeast, healthy bacteria-ish thing (sounds like spinal bifida when pronounced in my memory) alongside a VERY strict and VERY limiting diet. NO fruit, NO yeast or wheat, NO fungi (I love mushrooms, ah!) and basically anything and everything else. Of course now that I know my blood runs like a river of A positive vegetarian loving blood, that eliminates meat. Red wine and the new big cold bottles of Fat Tire would be laughed at by the Candida Cleanse police. Dr. Rossetti says the yeast problem I have really should be a shared cleanse with hubby – which is another funny joke in the Hackman house. I simply can’t make the hubs do one more fang dangled diet or pill party – nop, he will laugh and tell me get real. (Which I understand, I am thinking to myself about right now, “Self, You are Crazy.”) So apparently this yeasty configuration in my body (and supposedly my husband’s) lives in and around the warm, soft likes of the penis shaft. So, yes, indeed, if I cleanse myself and he doesn’t, we will simply pass yeast. Hmm…how attractive.

So, I have some decisions to make. Will I forge on fixing PCOS with Dr. Rossetti, the supernatural Naturopathic Dr. with a cape to come and save me from the villains of yeast in my body?! Or will I lay my body down to be manipulated and brought back to my healthy state of Qi (pronounced chi) by Dr. Yang and her ancient Chinese ways? Or, will this fertility specialist dude that doesn’t even know what has hit him yet help me find my way back to the path of being a normal girl just trying to have a baby.
Well, I guess another day has gone by that I didn’t solve world hunger, nor did I solve the much lighter issue of my body and its plumbing. On the bright side, I get to go downstairs and lay next to my loving and sweet husband that just got out of the shower and smells like green apples from his shampoo … and work on that baby making thing…